I have been, on reflection, not a terrible person this year. I have not committed any major crimes, I’m yet to cause any major financial or ecological disasters, and I was so careful about Star Wars spoilers that I refused to discuss the film with my wife until I was back in the car, in case we walked past anyone who hadn’t seen it yet. So, with that in mind, can I please have the following gifts:
1. An Apache helicopter. Before you head to your toy-making sweatshop in Malaysia, I’m not asking for a toy one. I want a real one. A real Apache helicopter, like the ones in the tremendous Wil Wheaton film Toy Soldiers, about a boarding school that gets taken over by terrorists. I want to use it to wreak bloody vengeance on people who don’t use their indicators when turning, which may seem like a rather austere response to a minor traffic infraction, but it’s only polite to indicate. Thinking about it, I’ll need to be able to wreak the aforementioned vengeance swiftly, in case I go back to the wrong driver once I’ve had time to retrieve my Apache, and cut down the wrong Toyota Yaris owner in a hail of high-caliber gunfire. Probably best you provide me with a new car, which then turns into an Apache helicopter. I understand this is a fairly big ask, so I’m willing to make this my ‘big present.’
2. Remake Toy Soldiers. Hollywood is awash with terrible remakes of 80’s classics, but they’ve not seen fit yet to reboot this spectacular movie. Really, it’s an absolute sure fire hit. Ideally, I’d like to see Wil Wheaton and Sean Astin reprise their roles of plucky rich kids fighting terrorists. I know they’re both in their 40’s now, but they’re actors, damnit. Both Astin and Wheaton’s acting during the *spoiler alert* scene when he gets cut down by automatic gunfire was one of the defining emotional moments of my childhood development. Bonus points if you can make both actors dress as Wesley Crusher and Samwise Gamgee for the entirety of the movie. I have looked, and Louis Gossett Jr is still alive and well, which is excellent news, since he needs to be there too.
3. Get Wil Wheaton to answer the Tumblr ask I sent him last year about his role in the excellent boarding school action film Toy Soldiers. I can’t even remember what I asked him now, but I figured I had a pretty good shot at getting the geek overlord to respond to me if I mentioned this overlooked cinematic masterpiece. He did not. I remain remarkably un-bitter about the whole affair, which should further cement my place on the ‘good’ list.
4. One of these tops, as sported by the two stars of the hit 80’s action film, Toy Soldiers. I really don’t care which one.
Many thanks, and sincerely yours,
P.S. I hope George Osborne is getting a bag of flaming dog poop.